The Mental Health Struggle: You’re Not Alone

By Kendra Wiese, (pronounced Wee-zee), Optometry student at Southern College of Optometry

Editor’s note: Kendra Wiese wanted to share her story on mental health to help others who are struggling know that they are not alone. Mental health concerns should be taken seriously. Trigger warning: Depression, anxiety, self-harm

I am Asian American. I was born in China and adopted by two of the best parents in the world when I was just 8 months old. I had an amazing childhood, playing club soccer, going on family vacations and winning a state championship in high school basketball. I even finished at the top of my high school class at Scotus Central Catholic in Columbus, Nebraska. I went on to play golf and soccer at the College of Saint Mary (CSM) in Omaha, Nebraska, where I majored in biology and minored in chemistry.

All of this is to say that mental health doesn’t care what background you came from or what achievements you have accomplished. My first experience with depression and anxiety came when I was just 20 years old as a sophomore in college. I was involved in soccer, golf and the honor society, just to name a few. My depression got so bad that I moved home and stepped away from soccer for a little while.

FINDING, LOSING AND RE-FINDING MYSELF

My parents drove me to Omaha for my labs so that I wouldn’t fall too far behind in school. I ended up getting a prescription for antidepressants and became more like myself again. I was able to finish the season and move on with life. I ended up graduating summa cum laude from CSM and got accepted into optometry school.

I moved to Memphis, Tennessee, which was a big change. But I met some awesome friends and loved it. Everything was new and exciting, and I thought I had everything under control, so I stopped taking my antidepressants. However, the second year rolled around and everything started piling up. The midterm weeks, lab practicals, quizzes, emails, friend drama, weddings to attend, events back home I was missing out on… Slowly, I started to lose control of myself and no longer knew who I was.

I forgot how to function and my roommates had to drag me to class. However, just because I went to class doesn’t mean I was really there. I felt like a ghost, just going through the motions and being where I had to be, but not actually learning or processing what was being taught.

I restarted my antidepressants, but this time, they weren’t helping. I kept spiraling and spiraling into a deeper and darker place. But I was good at hiding it from my friends, my boyfriend and my teachers. I eventually found the courage to tell my parents that it was bad this time. I reached out to a faculty member at SCO, and they kept an eye on me. One Sunday afternoon, I had enough. I was starting my anterior segment charts and couldn’t do it anymore.

I had never harmed myself, but the thoughts just kept flooding my mind. I expressed to my parents how I felt, and my mom flew down to Memphis that night. I wanted to finish the semester so badly because I was afraid of dropping out of school. I kept trying. But one day, I just couldn’t get off the floor and get dressed to attend lab. I ended up taking a leave of absence from optometry school and moved home to Nebraska.

It was hard being home and knowing that my fellow classmates were taking finals. I was the one who created the exam schedule chart that everyone referred to during exam week. I kept thinking to myself, “Why couldn’t I just finish?” At the time, I was angry at my parents for taking me from Memphis. But looking back, I know it was the right thing to do.

A NEW CHAPTER

Back home in Columbus, I took it one day at a time. Some days were better than others, but I kept pushing myself to do things. I started running again, cooking, showering and just living. I became more like myself again and flew back to Memphis and finished my finals. I knew it was meant to be and that I had a mission to complete the program.

I am still finding my way through each day trying to balance school, family, friends and life all-around. You never know what the day will bring because life is hard and truly unpredictable.

I think going through what I did made me realize that life has so much more to offer, and you are more than your grades. There’s always tomorrow to study more and learn more.

Grad school can be such an isolating place, and it’s easy to fall into anxiety or depression with all the pressures that come with career expectations. I am hoping to start a mental health club/support group at SCO in hopes of being an outlet for others who may not have the support system that I did.

The inner demons are so real, but there are ways to fight them.

I hope this finds the right person and gives you hope that you are meant to be here. Things do get better, and you are amazing, beautiful and strong. If you or someone you know is feeling low, please speak up and reach out. Together, we can save lives and connect people with the proper resources to better themselves.

Mental health is no joke. I hope we can all fight the stigma together and start taking our lives back.

If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, dial 911 or go to an emergency room.

Find international support near you. 

24/7 Suicide and Crisis Hotline (U.S.): 988

Crisis Text Line (U.S. and U.K.): Text Hello to 741741